Last month, Lilah, Byron, and I flew to Maryland to visit mom. We boarded the plane, and I felt she had everything she needed. I had Lilah's snacks, her bear, bottle, and everything ready. From our previous plane ride to California of 5 hours, she cried maybe for 10-15 minutes and was fine. This time was completely different.
Lilah had her seat, and she was eating as the plane went into the air.
She looked at me, and I hugged her for support. Then everything went down hill. It could've been her ears, but ever since Lilah was able to walk, I've always allowed her to roam and explore. There wasn't much room for her to move. She wanted to break out of the seat, so I unbuckled her and gave her my phone to watch cartoons. That was a fail. Everything else after that didn't work.
Lilah was screaming with full force. I have a special song for her that I sing to calm her down and that wasn't working either.
I lifted the window to show her all of God's creation, but that seemed to distract her for 5 seconds, and it was back to her screaming.
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The flight attendant came to the rescue and asked if she wanted goldfish. I accepted the offer, opened the bag, and Lilah threw it on the ground-crumbs everywhere. I sighed to myself because there wasn't anything I could do. I felt hopeless. I reminded myself she's still a baby, and she just wanted to be free. My ears were bleeding from the screaming, and I hugged her, loved her, and told her it was going to be okay.
I looked over at Byron, and this was his face.
"If she won't stop crying with you, what makes you think she wants me," I begged to differ.
I gave Lilah to Byron because she had been screaming for 30 minutes straight. I needed a break even though her screams were still ringing in the atmosphere. I wanted to help her, love her, give her everything she wanted, but there wasn't anything I could do. Her diaper was dry, she recently ate, but she just wanted her space.
As Byron held her, it seemed as if her cries escalated to a higher pitch. One that my voice would not be able to reach. I grabbed her back, and she flung backward, yelling and just wanting to be left alone. People were minding their business surprisingly, but it was as if I knew that everyone around me wanted her to be quiet. But I couldn't provide peace. I felt lonely, and for a moment, I wanted to throw myself off the plane. (it's a joke) For a moment, I was about to cry with her. Thankfully, the plane ride was only 50 minutes, but it felt like 50 hours.
Once we landed, I wasn't excited about the trip. I needed to isolate myself. (And this isn't me blaming Lilah, it was just difficult.)
People always like to show the good things and the best moments. This was a hard mommy moment for me. I wanted to give her what she wanted, but that was impossible.
I want to encourage you to know that being a mom isn't perfect. There are super great days and other days you might need space from your child, and that's okay. Either way, keep doing what you're doing. Everything will work out in the end.
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